I don’t remember how many times I have wrestled with this question as Joel and I raised up our three sons. I do remember, as a young parent, that I would always go back to the “steak” analogy: To a person who’s starving, juiciness, flavor and tenderness will not matter if the steak is only big enough for one bite.
How does this apply? Let me explain.
Our sons are all adults, but we are still parenting (and now grandparenting).
Although times have changed and we are facing challenges now that we have never faced before — the truth remains. Relationships are all the same – they thrive on connection.
Emotional connection necessitates our attention – active, focused, and intentional attention. The kind that says, “I see you…I hear you!”
It needs communication. The kind that nourishes and nurtures. It needs to be built on shared experiences that create memories strong enough to hold people close no matter where the seasons of life may take them.
All these need time.
But children don’t speak in terms of quality or quantity time.
Children just want to hang out with their parents – they want to do things with them to feel and know that they are available.
More so, they measure their own significance and self-worth based on the kind of interaction their parents devote to them.
And while this indicates that children require a large amount of undivided attention from their parents, it is also a fact that they do not think in terms of total time spent with them — for this is a very relative or unknown concept to them.
They remember conversations.
They remember settings and experiences. They remember words, phrases and comments.
They have memories that lead to other memories connecting to another, on to another…almost like a lasso rounding all of us back, as they reminisce, to that certain ‘time’.
It was not “how much time” or was it a “good time” but the memory that it was our time “together” that mattered.
The good and the bad, the happy and the sad, the boo-boo’s and the bloopers, and the “I’m sorry” and the “I forgive you” after.
It was not just being physically near each other, nor about doing positive things together – it was about our hearts being connected as we did (and do) life together.
I have very limited time and I am very limited with what I can do with it. I cannot be with every child and grandchild and be fully present all the time. No matter how much I want to or how advanced technology has become, I cannot be in more than one place at one time.
My attention will always be divided as my physical body and my limited time tether me that way.
So, it is not really about the quality vs the quantity of my time.
The question I should be asking myself is, do I actively pursue a connection with them in a way that attends to their needs?
When I am with them, am I just clocking in to rack up quantity time or do I really see and hear them?
When I am pressed for time, do I go through the motions for the sake of doing things with them or am I watching to note what makes for a smile and a sparkle in their eyes?
So, can you really have quality time without quantity time?
There is no formula or recipe, I believe. There is no prescription, only navigation.
What matters is the posture of my heart towards my children, my grandchildren and towards God. To Him, I turn for help to recognize when to give Him what I can’t handle and, to Him, I turn for grace to “repair” what I bungle up.
“We have clocks, but God has time”, a quote I agree with. As a mom to adults and a grandma to toddlers, whenever “time” causes a wrestling in me, I run to the One who holds my time (Psalm 31:15), the only One who is unbound by time (Revelation 1:8). I ask Him to wrestle for me…and peace comes
Amid the tugs and the nags, I am assured: as my heart is turned to the Lord, He turns it towards my children and grandchildren.
Hopefully, it is His heart that they see in me.
As we live through time, it is His grace that connects us. When seasons change and time comes and goes – in the end, it is His love that will pull us all close together.
